without you; it's dark

Something to ponder about,

at 5 am in the morning, just got ready for bed after a super tiring day at work, coz the break the interval was 90 fucking mins man. 90 + 15 + 15 mins.. ahh but all is well, have always loved playing at timbre anyway..

Was thinking about something while i was seated away from the world cup frenzy that was germany and argentina..

how can you not dread death, when you love living so much? the littel things that make you happy, watching soccer with your friends. jamming, going clubing getting imensely drunk and waking up in a hotel room with notes spelling out the words "last night was great" smoking sheesha, reading your book, getting online, going to school.. what ever, makes you feel alive..

you dread death because you have no idea whats on the other side, you dread death because things like soccer or music or love or lust might not exist.. you dread death ultimately because you feel scared... yes, there are some people who embrace death as a part of life, the final chapter the closing scene.. the finale what ever lah.. the select few lah that is..

and we all already know how fragile life is, you can be alive today, dead tommorow.. nobody knows.. im just rambling, its just that when i was looking at those people hugging each other screaming for shear joy when either one team scored a goal, i just wondered, why do i not share this joy? because i didnt bet money on the game? yeah mabye, but is everything really about money, what about passion. i mean like real passion, without perks without anything just pure passion.. for that matter, brief happiness is all i have ever tasted, and that is being truthful and honest.. happiness is intense then it dies out as fast as it builds up.. do i even love life? i mean really, i know im not ready to die not because i havent lived life enough but because i know ive sined alot, and i havent really repented yet.. im scared because i believe theres a heaven and hell, and ive currently got a one way ticket to the land down under..

What am i missing out on that so many people are realishing... that feeling, is indiscrabeable.. i know it is.. coz ive felt it, but for brief moments and i forget them once they are gone..

left a mark at 1:55 PM

Today people, i start a new chapter in my life.. today, i shall right the wrongs.. i thank those who have stuck by my side, and i thank them for not only thier understanding, but thier friendship.. the balance between both worlds never was supposed to be smooth, but they have made my stay more than enjoyable.. but most importantly, thank you for believing in me..

I just realised, there are a shit load of prinicipals to design, as a designer for fucks sake you never think of these things.. but after that you realise that there are actually rules that youve been following even without knowing that they exist..

then more often then not comes what id like to call "cerebral overload".. Now that your aware that these rules exists, you start limiting your selves to the constraints of those rules and hence your designs are not as appealing and not as pleasnt to your eye..

But what you fail to realise is, no1, youve been following those rules all the while and it looked good to you then..
no2.. your designs after gainning knowladge of the rules now suck in your opinion...
no3.. even though your old designs subconciously followed rules, you still think they rock as compared to your new creations..

Now what does this say my compadres? that humans in general retaliate, humans in general are so fucked, because they only struggle when they realise that theve been placed in captivity, what they dont realise is they have been placed in captivity for the longest time.. its just that they finally opened thier eyes...

wake up the next day, greet your neighbour, walk out, take the bus/train, go to work, go to school go to where ever the fuck your going too.. make your self feel good, spend your money, hang out with your friends.. coz you know what boys and girls..

all of us are fucked..

we truely are..

left a mark at 10:42 AM